Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
