I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
