I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
