Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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