well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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