We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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