ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
