He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize