And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
