I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
