so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
