Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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