1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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