my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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