I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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