I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
