By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
