God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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