she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
