You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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