how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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