shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize