ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
