Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
