I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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