is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
