So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
