my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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