i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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