How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
