i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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