mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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