my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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