We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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