Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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