she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize