I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
