she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
