I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
