he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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