my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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