so explain again why im purple
no
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
