You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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