can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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