oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
