I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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