Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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