So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
