Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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