Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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