her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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