i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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