i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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