please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize