Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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