I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize