Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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