This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
