Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
