I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
wow bdsm is so cute
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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