I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
