he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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