My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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