I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
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