someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Oh god it's open bar.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
