Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
